At the Table with My Students

I remember my first tutor-parent meeting as if it were yesterday. Despite knowing the family already, and having prepared everything thoroughly, I was still quite nervous. My mind filled with doubts, such as: “Is the information I´m giving relevant, or useful?” “Will they agree on how I see things?” “Can I truly help these people?” I also began to doubt the source of my authority when speaking to these people, who had already raised children with success. These feelings were exacerbated when they produced a notebook, and began, in all seriousness, to note down what I was saying about their son whilst nodding their assent.

After several years, and more than 1000 such interviews, I sometimes pause to contemplate how I must have looked that day, and I am thankful that the nerves I felt, and the respect I had for the role I was playing, are still very much with me today. On a daily basis I´m working with what people value most; their children. Responsibility always brings with it a level of respect, such as when, for example, a married family trusts the school and teachers, and opens up their household to reveal the deeper intricacies of their family. Truly appreciating this responsibility makes one take care with how information is relayed, makes one look for the positives and areas of improvement, and ultimately makes the family feel that we are all playing on the same team, chasing the same goal.

Today I can finally say that I have a deeper understanding of what the following words mean, words that I used to believe were simply part of an eloquent motto: “Parents before Teachers, Teachers before students.” Sometimes it is difficult to accept the fact that the task of more extensive education is not always the most important.

To properly educate a child you need to have a plan, patience, and time, and this is how I spend most of my working life. When it comes to helping parents with the education and formation of their children a simple comment, a timely piece of advice, these contributions may be the catalyst for profound changes and developments, and may reveal to these parents a whole new way of approaching their child´s education, a whole new system for encouraging their development. These insights can often lead to immediate, visible changes, and the same goes for teachers, for whom each personal improvement leads to direct benefits for their students’ as well.

It must also be noted that, for better or worse, the level of influence a teacher can have is always limited by space and time. To encourage an authentic and permanent culture of education, collaboration with the families involved, and understanding that they are the only true constant in the equation, since the teachers, sooner or later, must leave their posts. The cooperation between family and school is also necessary because it is the family themselves who have the right and responsibility to educate their children in the way the feel most appropriate. In my opinion, the role of the teacher is to act as an accompaniment, a professional consultant with some executive functions delegated by the parents.

The day I faced that first interview with a family, I did not do so alone. I was armed with a concrete plan, with clearly marked objectives, with years of my own experience, and with the advice of my colleagues. A more experienced tutor spoke with me both before and after, and today I make sure to provide this same service to new tutors. I strive to absorb and then transmit the methods and experience of all the teachers and families I have encountered during my career. It took me time to understand that the families themselves are the school´s main clients, but from the very first day the importance of teaching and training the teachers themselves was always apparent.

A family-centred education is not always plain-sailing. When interviewing parents, like during any teaching activity for that matter, one must be able to adapt to the reality of the situation. Furthermore, these interviews tend to take place at the end of a day, when one may be feeling tired, and sometimes we have to make the most of time between classes in order to attend a family who cannot meet you any other time. Sometimes we have to say somewhat difficult things, point out areas that require improvement, or listen to a complaint about our work, or the work of a colleague. Other times, we may not quite “connect” with a family, and find it more difficult to understand or agree about certain issues.

Our performance is also at risk when we enter these meetings from a place of fear, approaching them with the simple aim of justifying our job, and covering our backs. Although we may face a variety of difficulties in such meetings, experience teaches us that, as long as we maintain a positive mentality, and strive to show parents that we value their son´s progress dearly, and that we are working to actively improve their development, then all of these aforementioned problems can be overcome. Even in the most exceptional of cases, where a lack of understanding continues, opportunities for improvement arrive due to the very act of parents and teachers prioritising the student involved, and lending their thoughts to resolving the situation.

Parents, from a teacher’s perspective, may at first seem to be unknown quantities, especially considering an otherwise lack of contact. One may think that developing such relationships takes a great deal of time, however the reality of the matter is quite the opposite. Having experience with younger children, I now know that every night, when the family sit down for dinner, that in some way I join them, through the words of their children as they recount what I have done and said during the day. It turns out that parents know a lot more about me than I would have thought and, if I have done my job well during our interviews, I too know them quite well.

It is often the case that children, as they grow up, speak less and less about school matters to their parents. The fact that parents and teachers can meet in such a way allows us to set up an organized defence against the more challenging complexities of adolescence. At any age then, it is important to not only foster new relationships, but also grow and maintain existing ones to create the climate of security and confidence necessary for education.

It is clear that an education based on collaboration with families is a challenge for those who undertake it. Despite these challenges, I do not know if one can find another job where you measure effectiveness not only by the degree of customer satisfaction, but also by the quantity and quality of meaningful friendships you build throughout your career.